if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her