When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.