it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
You Might Also Like
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Planet of the Apps.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Danger is very dangerous
This came to me in a dream.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.