Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Meanwhile in Canada…
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.