It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
You Might Also Like
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.