horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days