The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.