Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You Might Also Like
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Best spot.. 😅
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?