Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
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Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
12653.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
mmm onion ringos
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.