This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
The point of your 20s
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”