[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”