How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Respect
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?