When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.