Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
This anagram machine is out of order.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,