If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
when u come home smelling like another dog
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Netflix and awkward silence?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.