Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”