help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”