Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this