Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You Might Also Like
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Husband of the year 😂
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣