hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
good work, everybody
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis