[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently