Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.