I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.