Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/