If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*bites zombie*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.