When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
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Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Swedish for common sense.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband