I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun