What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*