I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I think we should hear other voices.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.