Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
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[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂