[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.