Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
i- i did not expect this
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*