A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.