“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
$4 #usedbooks
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier