Happy Star Wars day!
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My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I hate my earbuds.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…