ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.