living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers