72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Can’t stop laughing
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope