People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]