Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.