[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Body by cheese-puffs.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?