My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
In case you needed to hear it:
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life