Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
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I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Meow?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife