What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
You Might Also Like
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine