Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
reminder
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.