Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches