Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.