“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
What about a To-Don’t List?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400