Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
You Might Also Like
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Lol.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.