If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….